1 KITTY KELLEY
She has invented a whole new literary genre — faction. The art of turning tiny truths into big lies.
2 WILLIAM KENNEDY SMITH JOKES
Fave so far: ”If you don’t sleep with me, I’ll have my uncle drive you home.”
3 MERV GRIFFIN PALIMONY
See this courtroom full of beautiful prizes — they could all be yours on Wheel of Lawyers.
4 PAULA ABDUL
If her backup singer were that wonderful, some record company would have snatched her up years ago.
5 NIKE 180 AIR COMMERCIALS
Advertising meets art-house film. What’s next? Jules and Jim and Magic? Dis Boot?
6 THE OPRAH WINFREY LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST
First prize, a sex change. Second prize, size 13 pumps.
7 HOLLYWOOD GODDESSES
Suddenly every famous actress — Julia Roberts, Geena Davis — wants to be blond. Don’t they know you can’t find happiness at the bottom of a bottle?
8 CREDIT CARD WARS
You get cash back, product guarantees, and can help save the whales — soon folding money won’t be worth stealing.
9 PLAZA HOTEL CONDOS
Buy one just so you can say Donald Trump is your super.
10 DEMI MOORE
She’s up for the Gene Hackman award for most films in any one year.
11 JUST KILLING TIME’S BOGUS BLURBS
”The best book I ever read,” says Clifford Irving.
12 MICKEY ROURKE’S UPCOMING PRIZEFIGHT
And in this corner, a man with his career on the ropes, in the white trunks, the featherweight contender…
13 EVIAN SPELLED BACKWARDS
What’s four times the price of gas but comes out of the tap for free?
14 CLOSING MILITARY BASES
But maybe they can be put to peaceful purposes — to help the homeless, to retrain the unemployed, to help the sick…nawwww.
15 THE FOUR FER SURE FOOD GROUPS
The tofu group, sprout group, granola group, and fruit group. Back to the commune, Rainbow, we got some Earth shoes to mend.