What the country is talking about this week
1. KITTY KELLEY
Is it me or does she look a lot like Miss Piggy?
2. NAMING RAPE VICTIMS
Never. But we shouldn’t name the accused, either. Even a Kennedy might be innocent.
3. THE NETWORKS’ HITLESS SEASON
Not one new show made the grade. Heads will roll. Secretaries’ heads. TV executives will get raises.
4. KERMIT THE FROG VS. MICKEY MOUSE
Henson and Disney fighting over T-shirts and toys? Can you believe it? They’re acting like children.
5. THE ANDY GRIFFITH SYNDROME
Television loves small towns like Evening Shade’s, but why is Burt Reynolds playing Opie?
Thank God she’s not the kind of person who would say outrageous things just to publicize a new movie.
Anglos love the Spanish/English mix in Gerardo’s ”Rico Suave.” Don’t be surprised if he marries a woman named Lucy.
8. TRACEY ULLMAN VS. THE SIMPSONS
She’s supposed to get 5 percent of spin-offs from her old show. Ay caramba! Where’d she get that idea, at Akbar and Jeff’s Agent Hut?
9. ABC’S DINOSAURS
Who had this bright idea? Alf?
10. ROCKET ISMAIL
The Toronto Argonauts? The Canadian Football League? What are they gonna have? A jock-cam?
11. THE PALM BEACH POLICE
The LAPD in reverse. They arrest nobody.
Adj.: great, now, happening. That be flavor. Archaic: joint, gnarly.
13. SPARTACUS RESTORATION
Ben Hur? No, you just missed him. He’s at the baths with Tony and Larry.
14. NATIONAL SCHOOL-TEST DEBATE
If McDonald’s pays $4.35 an hour, how many hours will you have to work to buy the Deee-Lite CD?
15. THE CENSUS ADJUSTMENT
The New Math census. Don’t like the answer? Change it.