With Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves opening this week and JFK in production, will Kevin Costner ever take a refresher course in Lakota and continue Lt. John Dunbar’s adventures? Probably not. Yet why should a perfectly good, $172 million property lie fallow, when it could be ripped off to pump life into some tired genres and fading careers? Consider these sequelific possibilities:
Who’s Afraid of Dancing With Virginia Woolf?
Elizabeth Taylor’s comeback vehicle.
Dances With Wolfen
Dunbar’s feral pet wasn’t shot dead by those brutish U.S. cavalrymen, just kicked into a long coma. Awakening a century later, it migrates to New York’s Central Park and starts running with some otherworldly lupine cousins.
Wolfbada: The Forbidden Dance
Anthropologist Pee-wee Herman ventures deep into Brazil’s endangered Amazon rain forest to study a Stone Age tribe whose steamy leader, Sonia Braga, introduces him to a fertility rite that sweeps the world’s club scene.
Jo Jo Dancer, Your Wolf Is Calling
A washed-up black entertainer (Eddie Murphy) reviews his life and loves-costarring Arsenio Hall and the early-’80s cast of Saturday Night Live.
Tough Guys Don’t Dance With Wolves
Film noir in which an alcoholic shamus (Ryan O’Neal) discovers that his client’s wife (L.A. Law’s Michele Greene) ran off with a lesbian lupusologist (Amanda Donohoe).
Dirty Dancing With Wolves
At the Badlands Dude Ranch, a gawky young girl (Sofia Coppola) falls for a suave older cowpoke (Dennis Quaid). Soundtrack by Bruce Hornsby and the Range, Pure Prairie League, and Siouxsie and the Banshees.
Amadeus II: Dances With Wolfgang
A prequel explaining how Mozart and Salieri became mortal rivals while vying to be the keyboardist at Vienna’s first dancekeller, Shaken Das Booty Bis Kaputen Sie Fahren.