1. TANNING INDEX I bought this great new product that protects the most sensitive skin from the sun. It’s called a shirt.
2. MARTHA STEWART SUMMER Remember, happy children may clash with your Nantucket theme — keep them sullen and moody with cod-liver oil.
3. SUMMER CAMP Kids go there to learn about ’50s furniture and Bette Davis movies.
4. FIXING UP THE HOUSE I had an expert look at mine. I’d never seen Norm Abrams laugh before.
5. ROCK TOURS Megadeth, Anthrax, and Slayer are all on the road. Who’s at home taking care of the kids — Ozzy Osbourne?
6. SUMMER READING Finally, I’m going to read the Great Books of the Western World. Should I start with Danielle Steel or Judith Krantz?
7. RERUNS What a great idea — you’ll be reading this again in August.
8. ROADSIDE VEGETABLE STANDS Supermarkets are fighting back. A sign in one produce section says, ”Our tomatoes won’t turn soft and red when you get them home.”
9. SUMMER STOCK Where else could you see Wink Martindale as Tevye?
10. FLEA MARKETS Guaranteed conversation stopper: ”My grandmother had one just like that, and we threw it out.”
11. SUMMER SHARES Three’s a crowd; eight is a house in the Hamptons.
12. VIDEO RENTALS ”We’re out of all the new releases, but there’s a red-dot special on Francis the Talking Mule pictures.”
13. BASEBALL Some stadiums now have alcohol-free sections.It’s a start. We could also use obscenity-free sections and a stay-in-the-seat-you-paid-for section.
14. NATIONAL PARKS They’re turning into National Parking Lots. People don’t want to commune with nature — they want to commute with it.
15. WEEKEND TRAFFIC The road less traveled now has a Dairy Queen and a 7-Eleven.