What the country is talking about this week
1. MAGIC JOHNSON
How much money would we be spending on AIDS if the 114,000 dead were basketball players?
2. MARIO CUOMO
Call him Hamlet on the Hudson, but his ”To run or not to run” act gets him free publicity. How dumb is that?
3. WHAT VOTERS REALLY MEANT
As if reporters would know.
4. ”BLACK OR WHITE” VIDEO
Pop/Dance Philosophy 101. Almost as deep as Duran Duran’s ”Hungry Like the Wolf.”
5. LENIN’S BODY HOAX
A fake report had the USSR selling his corpse to raise money. Got anything in a 42 regular?
6. HELEN GURLEY BROWN
She wants to know what this harassment fuss is all about. Maybe we can talk over dinner. At my place.
7. AREA CODE 310
L.A.’s deadbeat phone number. All the status of driving an ‘81 LeBaron with a plastic bag for a rear window.
8. ORION PICTURES’ MONEY TROUBLES
How shaky are they? They tried to buy the film rights to Final Exit.
9. NICK NOLTE
He cleans up nice for Cape Fear. You can barely smell Another 48 HRS on him anymore.
10. THE LAST BOY SCOUT
Let’s hope this is a hit for Bruce Willis so we won’t have to watch something like Moonlighting, The Reunion on TV next year.
11. HOLLYWOOD HUNGER BANQUET
The stars will eat rice and beans to ”experience” poverty. What will they eat to ”experience” intelligence?
12. WILLIAM KENNEDY SMITH
Inherit the Windy, already. The defense strategy to bore us to death is working.
13. ROBERT MAXWELL
A heart attack? Right. It must have been from doing all those sit-ups at 4:30 in the morning.
14. TV MOVIES FROM HELL
Because it’s true doesn’t make it good. What’s next? Grandma Was a Junkie? My Prom Date Was a Sheep?
15. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
What a lump of coal. It makes The Parent Trap look like Citizen Kane.