What the country is talking about this week
1. BETTE MIDLER
Like watching a B-52 land on one engine. You’re applauding that she can do it at all.
2. MADONNA VS. EVANSVILLE
They made her go without MTV for three months. Talk about paying your dues
3. MY GIRL
Let’s get over this adoration of Macaulay Culkin. Shirley Temple could sing and dance and act.
4. MARTINA NAVRATILOVA
She says a female Magic Johnson would be called a slut. If it weren’t for double standards, sports would have none at all.
5. HOLIDAY LEFTOVERS
There’s only one good recipe for Thanksgiving leftovers: Freeze them carefully and throw them away in June.
6. DIRTY JOKES
What does this say about Senator Kerrey? I can’t vote for anyone who doesn’t know newer jokes than that.
7. THE SWEDISH BIKINI TEAM
Doesn’t Stroh’s know that sexism is very old- fashioned? Their target teenagers won’t go for it.
8. WALL STREET JITTERS
Thank God most people don’t have to worry about what they would do with their extra money.
9. JFK JR.
Is he helping cousin Willie weather the storm or is he date bait?
10. THE JUDDS’ LAST CONCERT
Bummer. What’s Wynonna gonna call herself now — the Judd?
They won’t let this Italian porn star/politician into the country. She’s not up to Imelda Marcos’ high standards.
12. MARIO, MARIO, MARIO
He won’t run for President, but he might walk.
Please don’t drop the M.C. It took me 20 years to stop calling Stevie Wonder ”Little.”
14. MTV’S 10TH ANNIVERSARY
It’s hard to believe it’s been 10 years since I said it would never work.
15. THE FLU
How the flu times when you’re having fun.