1 CARSON BOWS OUT He’s quitting a four-hour-a-week job? What is he, a recovering workaholic?
2 LETHAL WEAPON 3 Where do they keep finding bad guys who haven’t seen the first two movies?
3 ENCINO MAN Like its star, MTV’s ”Totally Pauly” Shore, it’ll be lucky if it has two good weekends in its whole life.
4 ALIEN 3 In space, no one can hear you scream about your haircut.
5 ROBERT REDFORD Trying to save the world with Incident at Oglala. Next a defendant will claim he didn’t get a fair movie.
6 COMMENCEMENT SPEAKERS The future belongs to you. Right. As soon as we’re finished with it.
7 SPRINGSTEEN’S WORLD TOUR Only in pop music is selling a million tickets a success, while selling a million albums is a flop.
8 MADONNA’S LOOTED BRA Frederick’s of Hollywood is offering $1,000 for its return. No justice, no lingerie.
9 JUICERS The Cuisinart of the ’90s. A $200 machine to do what your stomach does for free.
10 ERINN COSBY Bill’s daughter says Mike Tyson attacked her, too. Time to ban another drug from sports-testosterone.
11 DAME EDNA EVERAGE I’d say she set comedy back 50 years, but this act wasn’t funny in the ’40s, either.
12 L.A. RIOT BILLBOARDS If Benetton really wants to make a fashion statement, it should build one of its nice stores in South Central.
13 IRISH BISHOPS WITH CHILDREN Sounds like a support group you’d only find on Geraldo.
14 DIANA IN PRIVATE Another expose on the royal family. There’s only one explanation. They must be getting a cut.
15 JAY LENO A lesson in stress management. NBC’s afraid he’ll nap under pressure.