1. BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE GROSSES
Lethal Weapon 3 made $33.2 million its first weekend. Now every film will want lukewarm reviews.
2. SUMMER VACATIONS
Want to get away from it all? Stop taking it with you.
3. SISTER ACT
Whoopi Goldberg disguised as a nun. It’s not that unusual. I’m sure Leona Helmsley taught my sixth grade.
4. ABDUCTED-BY-ALIENS SHOWS
For that hard-to-get audience advertisers crave: people who will believe anything.
5. SHARON STONE
Talk about overnight success-a month ago, Michael Douglas was the star of Basic Instinct.
6. RICHARD BRANSON’S VIRGIN MEGASTORES
The billionaire’s latest project is Stateside. Don’t worry, he can’t run for president.
7. GIANT FUNGI
Whoop-de-do. Washington, D.C., has hundreds of them.
8. THE WATERDANCE
Eric Stoltz and William Forsythe in wheelchairs. White men who really can’t jump.
9. DR. DEATH
He should just say he made a bad mistake, then the medical profession would accept him as one of their own.
10. THE AMA/JFK REPORT
Like Oliver Stone cares. He thinks anyone who denies a conspiracy must have been in on it.
11. BALANCED BUDGET AMENDMENT
One thing holding it up: Congress hasn’t figured out how to make money off it.
12. THE BATTLING TRUMPS
If they wanted to fight, they should have stayed married.
13. CHIEF GATES’ AUTOBIOGRAPHY
I’ll wait for the paperback. They burn better.
14. THE REAL WORLD
MTV’s acne-opera, which asks the questions ”Why aren’t kids running the world?” and ”How do you boil water?”
15. LATE-NIGHT TV FREE-FOR-ALL
Everyone thinks Jay Leno is the competition. What ever happened to sleep and sex?