1. The Dream Team
Professional athletes belong in the Olympics. If amateur meant the best, I’d want my lawyer to be one.
2. The Democratic Convention
Ringling Bros. is praying they won’t buy a calliope and start selling cotton candy.
3. Rob Morrow
Shouldn’t $20,000 a week be enough for pretending to be a doctor? Does he pay malpractice insurance?
4. Andre Agassi
Maybe he’s a little too fashion-conscious. He’s having the Wimbledon trophy turned into an earring.
5. Tina Brown
Editing The New Yorker won’t be a piece of cake. John Updike may not like writing the horoscope.
6. Penny Marshall
So much for film school. Happy Days’ grads are doing better than UCLA’s.
7. Doc Severinsen
Why be surprised that he’s on Arsenio? Hall’s wardrobe proves he’s been a fan of Doc’s for years.
8. The Perfect Fit
The latest guide to lovemaking. My partner said, ”If you want me to have better sex, read Final Exit.”
9. Prelude To A Kiss
A Broadway play doesn’t mean ”hit” to the kids in the mall. They should have changed the name to Mutant Mind Meld.
10. Howie Mandel
A summer replacement for what? Mister Rogers on Crack?
11. Whitney Houston And Bobby Brown
Liz Taylor could have squeezed in three marriages since they’ve been engaged.
12. The Braniff Bankruptcy
Typical. The executives got golden parachutes; the passengers got peanuts.
13. Dean Martin
A new bio spotlights his days of wine and rosés. Everybody’s codependent sometimes.
14. Grand Canyon Chase
It took the police two months to find Danny Ray Horning; they’ll never find Thelma and Louise.
15. Ted Kennedy Nuptials
When you ask a Kennedy, ”Who’s the lucky woman?” you’re talking about everyone but the bride.