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Our Grammies

Our Grammies -- Music awards we'd like to see, like ''Scariest Nominated Album Title'' and ''Least Truthful Self-Reivew''

The question has become inevitable: Are the Grammys getting hip, or are they without hope? This year the evidence indicates they’re a little of both, with nominations ranging from the cool (Alice in Chains for Best Hard Rock Performance) to the absurd (”Layla,” a rather, er, ripe 23-year old Best Rock nominee). But there are always a few that we think slipped through the cracks like these:

MOST LIKELY CANDIDATE FOR FALSE ADVERTISING LAWSUITS:
Madonna, Erotica

LEAST TRUTHFUL SELF-REVIEW:
Michael Bolton, Timeless (The Classics)

MOST-TRUTHFUL SELF-REVIEW:
Pantera, Vulgar Display of Power

SONG LEAST LIKELY TO APPEAR ON THE ”ALIVE” SOUNDTRACK:
k.d. lang, ”Constant Craving”

THE ”NO S—, SHERLOCK” AWARD:
Bryan Adams, ”There Will Never Be Another Tonight”

SCARIEST NOMINATED ALBUM TITLE:
Jonathan Winters Is Terminator 3

MOST BAFFLING NAME:
Toad the Wet Sprocket

THE THORAZINE SHUFFLE AWARD:
*Third World, Committed
*”Weird Al” Yankovic, Off the Deep End
*Beastie Boys, Check Your Head

THE ”WISH I HAD SOME TOAST” AWARD:
*Original Broadway Cast, Jelly’s Last Jam
*Michael Jackson, ”Jam”

BEST ORIGINAL ADVERB:
Shakespear’s Sister, Hormonally Yours

BEST IMPERSONATION OF GERMANS IN VEGAS:
U2, Achtung Baby

CHECK YOUR CALENDAR AWARDS:
*Best Rock Song, ”Layla” (released in 1970)
*Best R&B Song, ”I’ll Be There” (1970)
*Best Musical Show Album, Guys and Dolls (1950), The King and I (1951)

YOGI BERRA ALBUM TITLE AWARD:
Branford Marsalis, I Heard You Twice the First Time

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