1 Eddie Murphy’s wedding
The Planet Hollywood of Love. You may air-kiss the bride.
2 The blizzard of ‘93
Manhattanites learned one lesson: No matter how hard you yell, poodles won’t pull the sled.
3 Verbal agreements
Kim Basinger and Whoopi Goldberg are being sued over them. But don’t take my word for it.
4 The Bridges of Madison County
A best-seller by someone who isn’t on the radio or TV. There must be a special category for that.
5 March madness
What a bunch of hoopla.
6 Tom and Roseanne’s loose-meat diner
Those two are the salt of the earth. All of it.
7 John Grisham
More lawyers would become writers, but they’d miss the fun of evicting widows and orphans.
8 The barfly count
The networks say the Nielsens miss the 4 percent of people who watch TV in bars. Like they can remember the commercials.
What clever names are left for white guys who want to rap? Ice Tray? Ice Bucket? Ice Pick?
10 The return of Elsie the cow
She’s thinner, and her horns are shorter. Where’s she been — Canyon Ranch?
11 The Ross Perot Show
Nothing that a few guys with spinning plates and some little dogs on unicycles couldn’t fix.
12 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
There is only one way this film could be good for children — if the Turtles capture Barney and club him to death off camera.
13 Base closings
Turning expensive guns into expensive plowshares. The Pentagon has plans for a $600 tractor seat.
14 Spring break
A break from getting drunk and disgusting every night at home.
15 Girl Scout cookies
Learning how the real world works: ”Oh, you’re the boss’ daughter. I’ll take 10 boxes.”