”I Hate Barney” newsletter
Lizard Locked Up After High-Speed Crack-Up
Once again, Barney has spent a night cooling his paws behind vars. The scofflaw celebrity dinosaur was nabbed last week after being pulled over for a minor traffic violation. But when police found an unregistered hand gun in the glove compartment, the star hit the gas and led the cops on a high-speed chase through the streets of downtonw Manhanttan that ended when the Lizard King wrapped his Jeep Cherokee around a fire hydrant. Barney refused to take a Breathalyzer test, but ”his speech was slurred,” says one police spokesman. ”He couldn’t even get through one verse of ‘I Love You, You Love Me.”’
Barney served a brief jail term in 1986 for insider trading and stock fraud. And back in 1967, the young vertebrate — then known by his Muslim name, Barney Muhammad — was busted at London’s Heathrow Airport with two members of the rock group The Four Triceratops for posession of a quarter gram of hashish.
Released after posting $10,000 bail, Barney had no comment on this latest tangle with the law. ”This is a travesty of justice,” fumed his attorney, Alan Dershowitz. ”My client has been a model citizen for more than a million years.”
A Question of Pternity
Barney’s lyric ”We’re a happy family” takes on new meaning for the purple people-pleaser with the revelation that Baby Sinclair, of ABC’s popular Sunday evening sitcom Dinosaurs, is actually his love child. ”He hugged and kissed me, then threw me away,” says Dinosaurs mom Fran Sinclair, who confesses that the torrid affair took place when she roamed the earth with Barney during the filming of One Million Years B.C. Although Dinosuars dad Earl Sinclair has welcomed Baby Sinclair as his own, since this story broke, hearings have been scheduled to force Barney to acknowledge his offspring and fork over some bronto-sized bucks. Witnesses for Fran are expected to testify that Barney doesn’t know the name of his son’s friends and that he onced pushed Baby’s face into a plate of steaming eucalyptus plants.
Get A Grip!
While filming the kidvid for his latest song, ‘Feelings,” Barney went a step too far with his Michael Jackson-esque moves. ”I’m a slave to the rhythm,” Barney said before pulling the controversial clip from PBS. (MTV is running the unexpurgated version only after midnight.)
Who Does He Think He Is, Godzilla?
Hollywood car phones were buzzing last week with the news that Barney had been fired from a starring role in Steven Spielberg’s thriller Jurassic Park. Sources on the set report that the prehistoric prima donna repeatedly showed up late for rehearsals and demanded that his trailer be stocked with cases of Evian to wash his scales. Snarled one superagent who asked not to be identified: ”He may be a big shot now, but if he keeps this up, in two years he’ll be extinct!”
Call of the Wild
Secret tapes aquired exclusively by IHBN of Barney’s June 12, 1992 cellular-phone conversation with Flintstones pet Dino prove that the Purple One’s love life could melt an Ice Age. These shocking excerpts capture him and his animated amigo chortling as they bid each other goodnight:
Barney: I Love you, you love me.
Dino: We’re a happy family!
Barney: (giggles) Oh-ho-ho-ho. I wish I could give you a stuuuuupendous hug right now!
Dino: I Know! Maybe I could turn into a tiny pterodactyl and just live inside your ptrousers or something. Shimbaree, shimbarah! It would be much easier!
Barney: Hey, watch what you’re calling a pterodactyl…! (portion inaudible)
Dino: (giggles) Oh, I’m so proud of you.
Barney: Don’t be silly, I’ve never evolved.
Dino: Yes, you yabba-dabba have.
Barney: Besides, your great achievement is to love me.
Dino: Oh darling, easier than climbing out of the primordial ooze.
Barney: (inaudible) Bye, darling.
Caught With Hahn, He Decks Photog
Emerging from the trendy West Hollywood eatery Spago with squeeze-of-the-month Jessica Hahn (yup, that’s really her), Barney gave a pop to a waiting paparazzo. Perhaps he’s been taking acting-up lessons form Sean Penn?
Barney turned three shades of purple last week when he was caught slithering out of a Times Square porn palace. Under his arm: a copy of Tyrannosaurus Sex.