Lollapalooza promoters have been hauling away knapsacks full of cash, prompting scores of imitation tours like the Spin Doctors’ H.O.R.D.E. or MTV’s Alternative Nation to take to the road. To sharpen Lollapalooza’s competitive edge, we suggest diversification. The possibilities are as endless as a Pearl Jam guitar solo. Smallapalooza: The Dwarves, Bushwick Bill, Toiling Midgets, and Minnie Pearl. Cocktail weenies and tallboys served at concession stands.
Paulapalooza: Paul Simon, Paul Westerberg, Paul Shaffer, Paul McCartney, and RuPaul appearing in St. Paul, Minn.
Y’Allapalooza: Southern Culture on the Skids, the Beautiful South, Southern Death Cult, and Southside Johnny touring only Dixie states.
Dollapalooza: Dolly Parton, the New York Dolls (reunited), and, doing stand- up, the Dalai Lama. Dolly Madison ice cream keeps the crowds cool.
Eternalapalooza: Elvis, Janis, Mama Cass, Jimi, Mick Ronson, and G.G. Allin jam till the infinitely wee hours.