1. Sally Jessy Raphael
She has signed a $25 million contract. Here’s an idea for a show: The Shame of Being Extremely Overpaid.
2. The Chevy Chase Show
This would have been the biggest news in TV two years ago. Is the rest of his timing this far off?
3. Attorney Gloria Allred
So that’s what happened to Cher’s old wigs.
A science-fiction show about a deep sea submarine in the near future. Shark Trek.
5. Beverly Hills, 90210
Off to college. They’ll get advanced degrees in shopping, hair, and tan management.
6. The John Larroquette Show
He stars as a recovering alcoholic who runs a bus station. Oh, make it really funny. Put him in a homeless shelter.
7. Undercover Blues
Secret agents Dennis Quaid and Kathleen Turner and their toddler. The kid’s bottle has to be shaken, not stirred.
8. Lois & Clark
A ”now” version of the Superman saga. She makes more money, but he does the housework in a single bound.
9. Mortgage Rates
The lowest they’ve been in a generation. The bad news is we’d have to borrow 10 times as much to buy our parents’ house.
10. Don Rickles
Television has changed since he was last on regularly. We have remote controls now.
The Cheers character moves to Seattle to work as radio psychiatrist. For Jung lovers everywhere.
12. Irradiated Food
The food police think nuclear chicken will kill us. Like ice cream and french fries won’t.
13. And The Band Played On
It’s only on cable. More than 180,000 dead isn’t enough drama for network TV, but Amy Fisher — hey, cool!
14. True Romance
Anyone who thinks it’s too violent should be shot.
15. Conan O’Brien
Another feather in NBC’s cap. Too bad it’s attached to a flaming arrow.