1 OLLIE NORTH Trying to become a senator from Virginia, but he’s got it backward: You’re supposed to get accused of lying after you get elected.
2 SHANNEN DOHERTY Playboy’s March cover girl. What’s her next big career move? Getting La Toya’s manager?
3 THE BARBRA STREISAND TOUR Won’t this cut into the Grateful Dead’s ticket sales?
4 I’LL DO ANYTHING Filmed as a musical, but they cut out all the songs. At last, we’ve found the right team to film Cats.
5 JEFF GILLOOLY How many years should he get – 9.9, 9.8?
6 THE MISS USA PAGEANT Television for people who think Beavis and Butt-head is over their heads.
7 THREE STRIKES AND YOU’RE OUT This year’s cure for keeping criminals off the streets. What’s next year’s, glue traps?
8 GÉRARD DEPARDIEU The aging French heartthrob is back with My Father, The Hero. He gained 40 pounds for this part. Five years ago.
9 THE WINTER OLYMPICS Driving on ice should at least be an exhibition sport.
10 THE CISCO KID Jimmy Smits stars in the updated classic. Finally, a show about Mexico that doesn’t mention NAFTA.
11 THE BEATLES It’s the 30th anniversary of their first Ed Sullivan appearance. Let’s celebrate it exactly the way we did the 29th anniversary.
12 THE ACADEMY AWARDS With movies about AIDS and the Holocaust, maybe Ted Koppel should host.
13 ROAD-SALT SHORTAGE They’re really in trouble when they start using Mrs. Dash.
14 MICKEY MANTLE Drying out at Betty Ford. You know you’ve hit bottom in California when you wake up next to a celebrity.
15 ACE VENTURA, PET DETECTIVE Who’s his partner, Sam Spayed?