1 GUARDING TESS Secret Service man Nicholas Cage is assigned to protect former First Lady Shirley MacLaine. He hates traveling on Astral Plane One.
2 SMOKE-FREE McDONALD’S If they really cared about our health, they’d be french-fry-and burger free.
3 PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS Don’t expect much. These same ”people” voted for Richard Nixon.
4 THE BYRDS OF PARADISE Hawaii meets Walton Mountain. What we need is a character called John Buoy.
5 CIA SPIES Now we now why the government keeps this stuff under wraps. Look what our secrets have done for Russia.
6 GEORGE C. SCOTT On TV with Burger King reject Dan Cortese. Maybe it’s not too late to accept that Oscar for Patton.
7 DISNEY WORLD YANKS CAPTAIN EO Now there’s a poor choice of words.
8 THE ROAD HOME A mid-season replacement. That’s why they call shows they didn’t like as much as the one they canceled.
9 GREEDY Rich, overpaid movie stars in a film about the evils of having too much money. Help solve their problems — don’t go.
10 IDITAROD DOGSLED RACE Why do the humans get all the prize money?
11 ANGIE Geena Davis plays an unmarried Brooklyn girl who gets pregnant. Isn’t she a little old to be in junior high?
12 ED ASNER As a wise old ex-race-car driver in Thunder Alley. This is the only time you will see the words wise and race car driver together.
13 EAGLES REUNION It makes you wonder which rock group will be the first to offer discounted tickets to seniors.
14 LORENA BOBBITT She’s out, but it’s too soon to start dating again. At least that’s what all the men tell her.
15 SALUTE TO JACK NICHOLSON It’s his reward for making fun of events like this for the first 30 years of his career