With all those writers, how could The Flintstones fail? To find out, we asked 32 scenarists to collaborate on a film treatment. The first was given this premise: A Danish prince seeks to avenge his father’s death. Others added to the story one at a time, each knowing only the last couple of contributions. -Compiled by Jeff Menell
1. On the windswept battlements of a castle, a young man meets the ghost of his father, who has escaped hell for a few agonized moments. 2. As the father disappears into the night, two words echo from his lips, ”Epcot Center.” 3. Rising from the foam comes a glimmering geodesic orb-the young man has been spirited to Disney World. 4. The orb opens, and he sees a regiment of 19th-century German soldiers led by a black-bearded captain shouting, ”You’re out of uniform!” 5, 6. The smallest of the hussars sneers, ”What are we wasting our time here for when there are still living Frenchmen?” 7. An incredible stench-a toxic mix of Camembert cheese fumes and French body odor-stops the soldiers in their tracks. 8. Our hero spies a figure that could be the embodiment of death-or his neighbor Winifred. 9. It is his neighbor. ”Where are we bound for?” he asks. ”Do you really care?” she replies. 10. Winnie smiles as rough hands grab our hero from behind and drag him into a hole. 11. He feels like you do after a dental appointment, when – your tongue feels furry. Soon, he notices that he is an insect; no wonder his tongue feels furry. 12. A black widow spider floats above him, her long, lean legs surrounding him like prison bars. 13. Recalling what his mother said to do when he was afraid of the enemy, he pictures the spider on the toilet. 14. Realizing he’s been dreaming, he awakens to find his head buried between two breasts whose owner is a mysterious stranger. 15. He moves to the mirror and sees his 5 o’clock shadow-and the breasts-and wonders what he has done. 16. From the bed we hear Greta’s sultry voice, ”Mein Liebchen, how does it feeling to married be?” 17. He goes out into the hall, down the elevator, and discovers a Tailhook convention being held. 18, 19. Like a modern-day Archimedes he has found it: Keno! 20. Or more accurately, the Keno girl, smoldering Olga Volga, who not only danced but built rockets for Brezhnev. 21, 22. He awakens the same passions in Olga that she had experienced after the launching of Mir. 23. Overcome by a fiery frenzy, Olga whips off her shawl, marches to the woodshed and removes a large ax from the chopping block. 24. Ignoring her would-be lover’s cry of ”Nyet!” Olga hurls the ax, which imbeds itself in the skull of Regis, her prized ox. 25, 26. Meanwhile, the would-be lover’s problems escalate when the FBI links him to a series of midtown murders. 27, 28. Chief Inspector Claus von Claus suspects that the would-be lover is in fact Milo Echavarrio, a man wanted by the French police for being insufficiently rude to Americans. 29. All of Milo’s past sexual partners are rounded up by the much-feared Heterosexual Freedom Brigade, led by von Claus’ brother Max since the Gay Power Coalition took over the government in a.d. 2045. 30. But Max couldn’t have guessed that Milo was once Michelle and that Max was one of his/her own sexual partners in Bavaria. 31. Chased by Max, Milo travels back in time and discovers that he shares his personality with all the others who have appeared to be the protagonists in this story. 32. When Milo is mangled by an accident involving the Gutenberg press, he travels to the present and, as the film begins to repeat its opening, the credits roll.