What the country is talking about this week…
1. Pierce Brosnan He finally gets to play Bond. It’s been so long he had to retake the eye exam for his license to kill.
2. Unemployed College Grads It helps to say you have your own hairnet.
3. Wyatt Earp Of course Tombstone was lawless. What cop would work in a town without a doughnut shop?
4. North Korea They want a nuclear weapon. If they’re not careful, they may just get one.
5. The Lion King Disney’s latest cash cow. Uh-oh. Bambi’s missing and the lion’s not hungry.
6. Hot Dogs and Cancer So now how do we get rid of all the hooves and snouts?
7. The World Cup When will soccer become popular in the U.S.? When the homecoming queen wants to date the goalie.
8. Wolf Jack Nicholson is getting a bit old to play a sexy werewolf. When the moon is full he puts Nair on his back.
9. Fergie and Andrew On again, off again, on again, off again. God, they’re human Clappers.
10. Getting Even with Dad Macaulay Culkin blackmails his absent father into spending time with him. Play with me or I’ll make Home Alone 3.
11. Dead at 21 MTV show about a 20-year-old with a microchip in his head set to kill him at 21. What if the series gets renewed?
12. Wimbledon How can you tell when a tennis fan dies? They smell funny.
13. Ice Capades The Rev. Pat Robertson’s bought them. Matthew 18:24 on Ice.
14. Woodstock ‘94 I’m into that ’60s, watch-the-river-flow thing. Where’s my fax machine?
15. Today Set Back to their original fishbowl windows. Neighbors: Remember to feed Katie and Bryant while we’re away.