1 In the Army Now Pauly Shore had his head shaved for this one. He’s giving it to Planet Hollywood to put in their food.
2 She TV Comedy for women. Isn’t that why God made men?
3 The Next Karate Kid No one has to teach children how to break boards with their bare hands. Anyone with furniture knows they’re born with it.
4 O.J.’s Mystery Witness Yes, he was there. With Morgan Fairchild. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
5 Health Care Do we want heartless government bureaucrats running it or do we want heartless insurance-company bureaucrats running it?
6 Roseanne They’re making a made-for-TV movie about her life. Which one?
7 Billy Idol Now he’s Billy Idle.
8 David Caruso If they can give the NYPD Blue star a raise, they can buy Shaky the Cameraman a tripod.
9 Andre the Seal A girl and her…whoops! Free Willy just ate him.
10 Princess Di Rumor is that she’s vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard. Vacationing from what? Her 365-day-long weekends?
11 Cameron Diaz People say how well the curvy Mask costar can ”act.” Like she beat out Kathy Bates for the part.
12 Woodstock ‘94 They expect a few hundred thousand people who think stadium rock is just too intimate and personal.
13 Elvis He died 17 years ago. But had he lived, the news about Michael and Lisa Marie would have killed him.
14 The Baseball Strike Are you ready for Monday Night Bass Fishing?
15 My So-Called Life Life from a teen’s point of view. Excuse me, but when I want to hear from loud, immature know-nothings, I go to a sports bar.