1 The Santa Clause Tim Allen gains weight, grows a white beard, and travels in an unwieldly vehicle. It’s a movie about retirement.
2 John Denver He wrote a book called Take Me Home. It’s what he should have said before he was nabbed for drunk driving.
3 The Simpson Trial Some jurors said they can’t live without the Home Shopping Network. Did we tell you about O.J.’s Capodimonte vase collection?
4 Branford Marsalis He’ll take a break from The Tonight Show. Maybe more folks will hear his music if he plays small clubs.
5 Venus Williams The 14-year-old tennis wiz is burning up the courts. I just hope she never marries a guy named Flytrap.
6 McDonald’s Home Delivery You mean you still have to get off the sofa to answer the door? What a rip-off.
7 Interview with the Vampire Tom Cruise plays a bloodsucking charmer to a tee. Which Hollywood agent gave him lessons?
8 Fergie The Duchess of York has been offered a spot on Baywatch. As a pair of human water wings.
9 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Canadian TV banned them for being too violent. Why don’t you kids play hockey?
10 Nancy Kerrigan She’s romantically involved with her agent. It won’t last long if he handles it like he did her career.
11 Scarlett Four nights of bodice-ripping and Spanish moss. It’s either the sequel to Gone With the Wind or Swamp Thing II.
12 Jimmy Page and Robert Plant The Led Zeppelin mates released their first new album in 14 years. Their fans won’t believe how much record stores have changed since then.
13 George Foreman The heavyweight champion of the world at age 45. He’s not over the hill. He is the hill.
14 Bob Dylan A woman suing him for palimony says they wrote songs together. Maybe you’ve heard one — ”I love you, you love me … ”
15 Jimmy Smits He’s joined NYPD Blue. Start the pool now — how many shows before we see his butt?