1 SUSAN POWTER’S BANKRUPTCY She showed you how to lose weight — now she can show you how to lose your shirt.
2 NEW TV NETWORKS One night a week is not a network, it’s a marriage.
3 HOCKEY How much of a sport can it be if they’re actually going to play it?
4 THE NINERS AND THE CHARGERS Two California teams in the Super Bowl. Better make sure there’s a rain date.
5 FRENCHMEN A study says they have more sex than any other nationality. It’s not fair. They get two hours for lunch.
6 TAXICAB CONFESSIONS hidden camera captures passengers’ conversations. Like, ”In this country, red means stop.”
7 THE POPE’S TOUR Five countries in 11 days. Funny, I always pictured him as more of a Carnival Cruise kinda guy.
8 MURDER IN THE FIRST Christian Slater tries to save a man from the gas chamber. Bor-ing. Now, if he were saving him from being caned…
9 PRINCE CHARLES’ VALET Good help isn’t hard to find. They’re at their literary agents’.
10 MICHAEL JACKSON SLANDER SUIT The King of Pop is suing members of the media for millions. Actually, he told the lawyers, ”I wish I had a dime for every time they used my name.”
11 FAR FROM HOME: THE ADVENTURES OF YELLOW DOG They named him after the stain on the carpet.
12 TEAM O.J. Robert Shapiro hasn’t spoken to F. Lee Bailey since he found the ”I slept with Nicole too” sign taped to his back.
13 THE MADNESS OF KING GEORGE A film about the crazy man who lost the colonies. Where was Hard Copy in 1776?
14 EL NINO No They say it’s causing the weird weather. That or Limbaugh’s sprung a leak.
15 OPRAH She tearfully admitted she smoked coke in the mid-’70s. Watch out, kids! Look what it’s done to her!