1 Brad Pitt He’s been named the sexiest man alive? Does that mean there’s a ”sexiest man deceased” honor?
2 Keanu Reeves He’s playing Hamlet on stage in Canada. Not only is the money bubkes, he didn’t even get script approval.
3 Jimmy Carter He’s written a book of poetry. I think that I shall never see/a poem as lovely as a goober pea.
4 Death and the Maiden Roman Polanski’s latest film. Too bad it got an R rating. That means he can’t take a date.
5 Newt Gingrich He says women aren’t biologically equipped to sit in a ditch for 30 days. I’d pay to see him do it.
6 The O.J. Trial I hate to be a pest, but can you tape it for me?
7 Traci Lords The former porn star moves into Melrose Place. And to think a guidance counselor probably said it would hurt her career.
8 Mirabel Baez Doctors say she will be the first woman ever to be impregnated with a dead man’s sperm. That’s not what some women tell me.
9 The Golden Globe Awards Not quite as glamorous as the Academy Awards. You can show up in a fur and no one spits on you.
10 Raising the Minimum Wage Why? The working poor will just waste it on things like food and rent.
11 Sundance Film Festival None of that slick, over-packaged, Hollywood multiplex fluff here. Let’s leave.
12 Gray Wolves in Yellowstone Ranchers fear they’ll kill cattle for food. If they killed them for money that’s okay.
13 Girl Scouts They’re selling a low-fat cookie. They taste great — with bacon.
14 The Super bowl I won. I put money on the commercials.
15 The peso Clinton wants $40 billion in loans to prop it up. The Mexicans say $ they’ll even send over a few million people to come get it.