1 BASEBALL Now the President’s put his foot down. Settle the strike or he’ll campaign for a congressperson you like. 2 EXTREME The adventures of a mountain rescue team. Baywatch in long johns.
3 A WALTON WEDDING John-Boy is getting married. Who’s the lucky cousin?
4 SERVING IN SILENCE A lesbian’s kicked out of the military. If you’re divorced three times and cheat on your wife, that’s okay.
5 CHEVY CHASE He’s been charged with drunk driving. So the know-it-alls are wrong – he can get arrested in Hollywood.
6 THE O.J. TRIAL Watching too much TV is doing to our country what your mother always said it would do to you.
7 HIGHLANDER: THE FINAL DIMENSION We can only hope.
8 HOWARD STERN MEMORIAL REST STOP The shamelessly self-promoting DJ wins New Jersey’s top honor. Nelson Mandela must be kicking himself.
9 BEFORE SUNRISE Two Xers meet on a train and have a one-day romance. They’ll soon have arguments longer than that.
10 THE JERKY BOYS A film about the world-famous phone pranksters. Only two guys make the ”switch back to AT&T” calls?
11 ”POSTURE” PHOTOS Ivy Leaguers fell for this we-need-nude-pictures-of-you-for-research scam. Forget ivy, plant figs.
12 KATIE COURIC’S HAIRCUT Just because Willard Scott gives her his old hairpieces doesn’t mean she has to wear them.
13 WHOOPI GOLDBERG She’s complained that she never saw the scripts for Nell and The River Wild. She’s lucky Jodie Foster turned down The Color Purple.
14 BREATHE RIGHT NASAL STRIPS The adhesive strips supposedly help pro football players breathe better. It stops them from thinking about it.
15 NANCY SINATRA The 54-year-old is posing nude in Playboy. Rumor is she’s releasing a new song, ”These Boots Are Made for Walkers.”