1 FRIENDS A huge hit for NBC. You’d have friends too if you didn’t watch so much TV.
2 FRENCH KISS Meg Ryan is trapped in France with an obnoxious cabbie and no money. New York offers all that for less.
3 PANTHER Critics say it’s not the real story of the Black Panthers. Wait till they learn the Von Trapps never sang in The Sound of Music.
4 FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF CHICAGO They want to charge $3 to see a teller. It’s another $5 if they’re rude.
5 THE UNABOMBER He wants his manuscript published. Who’s going to open that package?
6 TONYA HARDING She’s making a record. Madonna, watch your knees!
7 MOUSE BOATS Disney’s new cruise ships for family vacations. Mom, why is Daddy always in Seasick Land?
8 BOBBY BROWN No wonder he spends so much time in nightclubs. Who would want to go home to Whitney Houston and a multimillion-dollar house?
9 COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS There are only two ways to win — pay your dues or look cute in a cowboy hat.
10 A PYROMANIAC’S LOVE STORY Three men take credit for torching a bakery to impress women. What happened to buying a convertible?
11 THE DANCING ITOS Jay Leno’s regular chorus line of robed, bearded Asian judges. Almost as silly as the actual trial.
12 THE 50 MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE Damn! I only missed being in PEOPLE by one or two. Billion.
13 CHARLIE SHEEN Hollywood’s bad boy is engaged. It should work — they both love him.
14 HATE RADIO How can you blame us for inciting violence, you femi-Nazi, abortion-loving, gun-controlling, ungodly, gay liberals?
15 MR. BLACKWELL His autobiography reveals he’s gay. Who would’ve thought?