1 Andy Rooney
First he insulted Connie Chung, then CBS chief Larry Tisch. So who hasn’t?
2 Crimson Tide
Military action-adventure set in a nuclear submarine. Bottom Gun.
3 The Judds
A TV movie about their lives, loves, and illnesses. With their story, they should have held out for a cable channel.
4 Martha Stewart
Her neighbors are complaining about the TV vans at her house. Be careful. She’ll sell it to Roseanne.
5 Chain Gangs
It may be one of the poorest states, but Alabama will be first in something — roadside maintenance.
6 Regis and Kathie Lee
They’re taking their morning kaffeeklatsch to prime time for one night. Be still, my pacemaker.
The wildly overbudget Kevin Costner movie has now lost its director. Insiders are calling it ”Sleeps With Fishes.”
The publicity stunt on the French Riviera. Like Hollywood without the good taste and restraint.
9 $29 Million Picasso
It was from his Blue Period. Now it’s the rolling-over-in-his-grave period.
10 Body Slimmers
Women are buying 30,000 form-shaping garments a month. Men have had the same thing for years. They’re called bar stools.
11 DNA Evidence
Who you gonna believe? A few multi-degreed egghead scientists, or a rich, handsome football player?
Louie Anderson wants him to be his opening act. What does he do? Come out and ask people if he can live with them?
13 Stephen King’s The Langoliers
People sleeping on a cross-country flight wake up to find that the other passengers and the crew have disappeared. Hell with it, I’m smoking.
14 Miss Universe Pageant
Could you tell if they just repeated last year’s show?
15 America’s Cup
Yachting — the sport for people who think golf is too multicultural.