1. QUEEN ELIZABETH For the first time, she’s flying on a commercial airliner. I’d love to be there when they bump her.
2. YOU MAY ALREADY HAVE WON A bank cashed a California man’s $95,000 junk-mail check. A real one would’ve taken weeks.
3. THE VERY BEST OF JOHN DENVER Oxymoron of the Week.
4. ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME Where you never hear the phrase died of natural causes.
5. JESSICA KAPLAN The 17-year-old sold a script to New Line for $150,000. Now she charges $10,000 an hour to babysit.
6. CARNIE WILSON Brian’s daughter gets her own talk show. Looking like Ricki Lake gets you a lot further than experience.
7. ”START ME UP” Microsoft reportedly paid the Rolling Stones millions for the song to launch Windows 95. Only DOS users would think that’s cutting edge.
8. SHOW-AND-PAY Movie studios want day-care centers to pay a fee for showing videos to kids. Those Smurfs, they spend it all on booze.
9. CAL RIPKEN JR. He has to work six whole months a year and still shows up every day? In baseball, this is an achievement.
10. THE MONROES Intrigue, back stabbing, sex, and sleazy ethics, set in Washington, D.C. For those who don’t get C-SPAN.
11. MARTHA STEWART AND CHARLIE ROSE It wasn’t love at first sight; he just matches the curtains.
12. TIMOTHY LEARY He was ”thrilled” to learn he was dying. Some folks are so easy to please.
13. HURRICANES They’re coming at us three and four at a time. Just hope none hit the Hamptons — we’d never hear the end of it.
14. JERRY LEWIS TELETHON One day they’ll find a way to raise money that won’t cause brain damage.
15. PHIL DONAHUE Now New York has dropped his show. Locals wondered where he found all those normal folks.