1 DAVID LETTERMAN
He’s talking about leaving CBS at the end of his contract. What makes him think they’ll still be in business?
2 SUPERMODEL BACKLASH
Fashion designers are saying they’re no longer worth the price. And who would know more about overcharging?
The number of non-hits the networks introduced this season. Don’t worry, most TV execs’ll still get raises.
4 HOWARD STERN’S MISS AMERICA
Pageant officials fear he’ll make them look silly. They’d rather do that themselves.
5 O.J. JOKE OF THE WEEK
What has a beard, brown hair, and lives in Sweden? Paula Barbieri.
6 ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS
The Pet Detective brings back a rare animal from Africa: a cash cow.
7 BALTIMORE BROWNS
Football is about loyalty, and they’re in for the long haul. Or until a better offer comes along.
8 WHOOPI GOLDBERG
She’s agreed to host the next Academy Awards. That’s cutting it close. She has only four months to work on her hair.
9 JOHN TRAVOLTA
He’s asking for $21 million for his next film. It’s a lot, but remember, he may have to work seven or eight hours a day.
10 IT TAKES TWO
The Olsen twins in the perfect family film. Kids stop misbehaving if you threaten to make them see it.
11 STREETS OF LAREDO
The sequel to Lonesome Dove — minus most of the original stars. But that’s okay. Fans will recognize two of the horses.
12 COMIC RELIEF 7
Comedians gather to help homeless people. Congress: Comedians gather to make people homeless.
13 NYC MARATHON
Twenty-seven thousand people running. It’s either the race or a warehouse sale at Barneys.
14 THE FACE IN THE STARS
Of course it’s Jesus. It looks just like his yearbook photo.
15 MICHAEL JACKSON
He was a hit on a German game show. Was it called Guess My Sex?