1 DUNSTON CHECKS IN A hyper ape causes havoc at a swank hotel. The Tailhook Association’s already offered him a membership.
2 LAWNMOWER MAN 2 An evil entity in cyberspace tries to take over the world. It’s Bill Gates, right?
3 TRASH TALK SHOWS They’re being axed faster than you can say ”Your mother’s teenage twin lesbian lovers hate each other.”
4 OLESTRA The faux fat that tastes like the real thing without the calories. If only they could make a carrot stick like that.
5 EYE FOR AN EYE Sally Field goes after the man who killed her daughter and got away with it. As if that could ever happen.
6 VICTORIA’S SECRET A woman claims the catalog offers men lower discounts. But how many guys can wear that stuff?
7 AWARDS-SHOW MANIA It’s crazy. They have to preempt award-winning shows to give them awards.
8 FREE WILLY They spent $9 million moving the whale to better living conditions. Something we’d never do if he were human.
9 DEAD MAN WALKING A nun tries to save Sean Penn from death row. Until she finds out he was married to Madonna.
10 MARK HARMON He pulled a kid from a burning car. Amazing what you can do when someone’s blocking your driveway.
11 MARIJUANA The number of freshmen who support legalization is at a 15-year ”high.” Sure, the binge drinkers voted for it.
12 FROM DUSK TILL DAWN George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino battle vampires. Finally, a movie about an IRS audit.
13 LA TOYA’S 900 LINE All she knows about her family for a few bucks a minute. So what’s the most you can spend…$5?
14 THE BLIZZARD OF ‘96 You say you moved East to get away from the earthquakes and brush fires?
15 GM’S EV1 A $35,000 electric car that can do 90. Sixty if the radio’s on.