1. MR. WRONG
Ellen DeGeneres can’t ditch a boyfriend. Marrying them and having their kids usually gets rid of them.
2. THE LATE SHIFT
Leno and Letterman battle for Johnny Carson’s job. Don’t tell me the ending, I want to be surprised.
3. MARY REILLY
Julia Roberts plays Dr. Jekyll’s maid. She won’t do windows or severed body parts.
Most Argentineans don’t want her to play Evita. Hey, give her a chance to sleep with you all before you decide.
In the comics, he gets dumped by Lois Lane. She wants a man with a bigger wardrobe.
6. HAPPY GILMORE
Adam Sandler. Golf. Name two things that aren’t fun to watch.
7. AMERICAN AIRLINES
Now you can buy the recipes for its in-flight meals. How ‘bout the plans for the spacious restrooms?
8. NEW HAMPSHIRE
There must be a better way to elect a President. Let’s make them play Final Jeopardy.
The hairing aid has been approved for sale without a prescription. You do need bifocals to read the label, though.
10. LIZ TAYLOR
She’s in four CBS comedies on one night: I Married a Bum, Irreconcilable Differences, Eight Is Enough, and I Smell Pearls.
11. PAMMY COLA
In Britain, there’s a soda named for the Baywatch babe. If anything has her name, shouldn’t it be Jell-O?
12. NEIL DIAMOND
The ’70s icon will perform in a television special on ABC. He’s promoting his new eight-track cassette.
13. CITY HALL
Al Pacino plays the man who runs New York. He’s the maitre d’ at 44.
14. KASPAROV VS. DEEP BLUE
The chess champ plays a computer. Even when it wins it calls him Karry Gasparov.
15. OSCAR NOMINATIONS
You know the pickings are slim when you see Babe the pig shopping for a tux.