If we ran Hollywood, there would be some changes, and not just in the seating plan at Mortons. We’d make the movies we’d like to see, and we’d get them to screens near you next summer.
The Poseidon Adventure ’97: It’s got something to appeal to the phobic in everyone — a sinking ship, inclement weather, and very close quarters. And 25 years after the original, who wouldn’t want to see Denzel Washington leading the troops in Gene Hackman’s stead, Hackman sliding into the Leslie Nielsen role, Kathy Bates and Dennis Franz taking over for Shelley Winters and Jack Albertson, Nathan Lane instead of Roddy MacDowall, Clint Eastwood as the grizzled cop played by Ernest Borgnine, and Mira Sorvino as his ex-hooker wife? And Alicia Silverstone and Matthew Lawrence are perfect as the panicked youngsters. And if somebody has to warble The Morning After, our vote goes to Whitney Houston.
Bond. Jane Bond: Enough with the chauvinism. Emma Thompson would make a great 007, with the dashing Ben Chaplin as the pining secretary, and Hugh Grant as a villain extraordinaire.
Heathers, PTA: Revenge is sweet, and it’s all the sweeter if the women are bitter and more…mature. Move over, Winona; let’s give Roseanne, Sharon Stone, and Courtney Love a chance to show their killer instincts.
Bonnie and Clyde Redux: Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Pitt have the right blond good looks and the chemistry. We’d watch them rob and pillage anytime.
A Better Brand of Buddy Movie: We’ve seen enough of Mel Gibson’s backside and Danny Glover’s scowl; Angela Bassett paired with Janeane Garofalo would put the sex and the smarts back into the Lethal Weapon franchise.
Enemies, A Love Story: Cast whomever you wish — all we ask is that next year bring at least one movie in which no Friends, friends of Friends, or fans of Friends appear.