1 Digital TV Finally, you can watch Home Shopping Network and C-SPAN with movielike quality.
2 Anaconda A giant snake eats some unpleasant explorers. Hollywood’s answer to The English Patient.
3 Tupac There are rumors that like Elvis, he’s still alive. But no one wants to stand close enough to him to find out.
4 Grosse Pointe Blank A hitman goes to his 10-year high school reunion. Too bad he graduated before you could get credit for extracurricular activities.
5 Marcia Clark Her book about the O.J. trial is ready. Don’t spoil it by telling me the end.
6 Susan Lucci The soap star has received her 17th Emmy nomination for frequent acting. Three more and she can upgrade to a win.
7 Tainted Strawberries Didn’t this win the Palme d’Or at Cannes?
8 Arsenio ABC pulled the show before it could find its audience: people who don’t like to laugh when they watch sitcoms.
9 The Stock Market Don’t panic. Let me get my money out first.
10 Madonna 101 A college in Amsterdam offers a course on the pop star. It’s for students who flunked Mary Chapin Carpenter.
11 Nicholas Cage The Rock star will be the next Man of Steel. They’re already working on a script called The Hair Club for Supermen.
12 Princess Di She’s only 916th on a list of the 1,000 richest Britons. Maybe she can make a little extra money as a blues singer.
13 Joni Mitchell The singer found the daughter she put up for adoption 32 years ago. It’s Ellen DeGeneres, isn’t it?
14 Bliss The premise of this controversial film is that good sex is good for your mental health. Save lives; date a postal worker.
15 Orgasms What did men say when scientists announced they’d found the chemical that triggers them in women? ”Who cares?”