1 THE LOST WORLD The sequel to Jurassic Park. Dammit, who forgot to spay the raptors?
2 LIEUT. KELLY FLYNN They’re trying to drum her out of the Air Force for adultery. But they agreed to drop the original charge of witchcraft.
3 ROSEANNE She’s getting her own talk show. Disappointing news for those who hoped she’d become a mime.
4 THE MOUSEKETEERS They’re asking for $100 million in residuals. ”M-I-C— see our lawyer real soon. K-E-Y— why? Because we need the money! M-O-U-S-E!”
5 FRANK GIFFORD Try this: ”Honest, honey, I was just making sure she wasn’t a transsexual before I offered her a ride home.”
6 DEEP BLUE The best chess player on earth has turned down a rematch with Garry Kasparov. It wants to spend some time smelling the roses.
7 TITANIC One of the most expensive movies ever almost made is way over budget and off schedule. Who’s producing this, the Pentagon?
8 HYGIENE GUARD A system that lets employers monitor employees’ hand washing. They remove the washroom door.
9 LARRY KING He’s about to be married for the seventh time. He’s trying to become the Susan Lucci of weddings.
10 TAMAGOTCHI Toy stores expect to sell 4 million of the electronic pets. It means ”Give us all your money” in Japanese.
11 SYLVESTER STALLONE He and longtime girlfriend Jennifer Flavin finally married. Does that mean they’ve decided not to have more children?
12 SILVER CHARM Will this be the first horse to win the Triple Crown since 1978? Not if you bet on him.
13 JAMES BROLIN AND BARBRA STREISAND The couple is officially engaged, but no date is set. She’s still editing him.
14 TIGER WOODS American Express gave him $13 million to be a spokesperson. Will their card take strokes off my game?
15 MEMORIAL DAY When we escape the crime and congestion of the cities and bring them to our national parks.