1 REV. ROBERT SCHULLER An airline steward says the television minister touched him. The good news is that his rash disappeared.
2 MR. MAGOO The National Federation of the Blind thinks Disney should pull the movie. But so far the studio has turned a deaf ear.
3 TED TURNER He wants to change the national anthem to ”America the Beautiful.” When he buys the rest of the country, he can do whatever he wants.
4 KRISPY KREME Their doughnut-making machine has been added to the Smithsonian’s permanent collection. And people say culture is dead.
5 CONTACT Jodie Foster goes to visit aliens. Take a box of pastries. It always makes a nice impression.
6 $10,000 BARBEQUE GRILLS The latest status symbol. They’re great for burning up all that extra money that’s been cluttering up your house.
7 U2 They sent fans outside their Chicago hotel three dozen pizzas. They won’t remain billionaires for long if they toss money around like that.
8 MONTGOMERY WARD It’s hard to believe they’re in trouble. They were such trendsetters.
9 FAUX SPICE GIRLS Wannabes are popping up all over the place. Excuse me, are you a superstar or an eighth grader?
10 GODZILLA Why are they previewing a movie that won’t come out till next summer? ”Dear Santa, I want a Godzilla action figure and…”
11 A SIMPLE WISH Martin Short becomes a young girl’s fairy godmother. That’s what happens if you don’t behave.
12 AARON SPELLING His 45-room Holmby Hills mansion has a leaky roof. He’s having pots and pans custom-made to catch the drips.
13 IVANA The first ex-Mrs. Trump split with hubby No. 3. Money can’t buy you love, but you can rent it for a few years.
14 DEBBIE REYNOLDS Her hotel and museum are in Chapter 11. Losing money in Las Vegas — what are the chances?
15 THE WINDSORS Sotheby’s will sell items from the duke and duchess’ Paris home. Didn’t Jackie O. give them an ashtray?