1 THE EMMY AWARDS Bryant Gumbel hosts television’s yearly tribute to television. If they don’t do it, who will?
2 THE FULL MONTY Six not-so-buff unemployed steelworkers become male strippers. To avoid the embarrassment of being on welfare.
3 JULIO IGLESIAS He’s become a father again at 53. The Spanish eat dinner late, too.
4 SQUIRREL BRAINS Two Kentucky doctors say they may be unsafe to eat. Now they tell us.
5 MAD ABOUT YOU The new season features the Buchman baby. If it were about a real marriage, it’d be called Mad at You.
6 SALMAN RUSHDIE He recently got married again. They got two toasters, one candle snuffer, three pipe bombs, and a salad set.
7 THE STANFORD DAILY The college paper says it’ll treat Chelsea Clinton like any other student. Won’t that kill their chances of working at a real newspaper?
8 PEANUTS A new study says they’re good for your heart. And they go great with cigarettes and beer.
9 THE NEW TV SEASON Thirty-three new hit shows to replace last year’s 33 new hit shows. Shouldn’t they really replace 33 executives?
10 THE GAME Michael Douglas plays a bored wealthy man looking for excitement. Welcome to Hilton Head.
11 MARTHA STEWART She has a daily half-hour show on cooking and gardening. It’s followed by a half-hour show that cleans up after her.
12 STEVEN SPIELBERG The Lost World director made $313 million last year. Too bad he got such an unlucky number.
13 MICHAEL JORDAN Nike is producing his line of clothing. But would you actually buy a tie with a pump?
14 LARRY KING He just got married for the seventh time. It seems like only yesterday we had the office pool on how long his sixth marriage would last.
15 VERONICA’S CLOSET Kirstie Alley runs a lingerie company. It’s Baywatch on Seventh Avenue.