Sound Bites | EW.com

TV

Sound Bites

A roundup of the year's best TV quotes

”Siskel or Ebert?”
— Mulder (David Duchovny), upon finding a severed thumb, on The X-Files

”I’m so Farrah right now….”
— Janeane Garofalo, after losing her train of thought, on Late Show With David Letterman

”It never entered my mind that I’d be considered a distinguished film actress, like Courtney Love.”
— Debbie Reynolds, accepting her American Comedy award

”I could do Homo Improvement with you.”
— Elton John, to fellow guest Tim Allen, after Jay Leno suggested he star on a sitcom, on The Tonight Show

”Well, you’ve got your work cut out for you, then.”
— David Letterman to Harrison Ford, who’ll costar with Ellen DeGeneres’ girlfriend, Anne Heche, in an upcoming romantic comedy, on Late Show

”You are an idiot.”
— Bill Maher to Pauly Shore, on Politically Incorrect

”I can’t believe you of all people are gonna Scully me.”
— Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar), to her atypically skeptical mentor Giles (Anthony Stewart Head), on Buffy the Vampire Slayer

”He’s disabled. Plus, he’s the President. Can you imagine the parking spot this guy has?”
— Norm Macdonald, on Clinton’s knee injury, on Late Show

”Shut your pretty-girl hole.”
— Cranky dominatrix Geri Turner (Debra Christofferson) to Diane (Kim Delaney), on NYPD Blue

”The media should take a cue from [Gianni] Versace’s clothes — cover the key parts, but leave a lot uncovered.”
— Bernard Kalb, criticizing the media frenzy over the designer’s murder, on Reliable Sources

”Ellen DeGeneres is angry at ABC for putting a parental advisory at the beginning of her show…. Bryant Gumbel is mad at CBS for putting a ‘May cause drowsiness’ warning at the beginning of his show.” – Conan O’Brien on Late Night

”It’s a lot like a frat house: Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
— Ray (Ray Romano), describing life with three toddlers, on Everybody Loves Raymond

”When Kathie Lee first heard about this she was speechless. So at least something good has come out of it.”
— Jay Leno, on Frank Gifford’s affair, on The Tonight Show

”I was stunned — I thought I was the only one who went to bed wearing Nikes and a purple shroud.”
— David Letterman, about the Heaven’s Gate mass suicide, on Late Show

”I’m not your type. My breasts are real.”
— Paula (Janeane Garofalo), after Larry (Garry Shandling) asked her out, on The Larry Sanders Show

”Lisa, when you get a little older you’ll learn that Friday is just another day between NBC’s Must See TV Thursday and CBS’ Saturday-night crap-o-rama.”
— Bart on The Simpsons

”The First Lady is in Amsterdam and visited the house of Anne Frank, where she, just out of habit, shredded the diary.”
— Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect

”I could’ve eaten a box of Alpha-Bits and crapped a better interview.”
— Frank (Peter Boyle), after Ray (Ray Romano) bombs on a talk show, on Everybody Loves Raymond