”According to a new survey, the first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren’t looking, they notice her breasts.” CONAN O’BRIEN on Late Night

”Ted Kaczynski tried to hang himself with his underpants, but the elastic broke. Kaczynski immediately sent a letter bomb to Inspector Number 12.” COLIN QUINN on Saturday Night Live

”Wow, that’s a neat gift. I was thinking of, like, a gravy boat.” PHOEBE (LISA KUDROW), after her brother and sister-in-law asked her to carry their baby as a wedding present, on Friends

”What’s the big deal with making a commitment? If it doesn’t work out, you just bail.” PAIGE (JOELY FISHER) to the commitment-phobic Ellen (Ellen DeGeneres), on Ellen