1 Mariah Carey and Derek Jeter
The singer’s rumored to be dating the Yankee shortstop. Proving that he can catch damn near anything.
2 Elvis — The Live Concert
A live band plays while the King performs on a large screen. His opening act is John Denver.
3 Mad About You
Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt will reportedly get a million dollars an episode next year. The baby held out for a speaking part.
The movie is back. But only in squeaky theaters.
5 Sharon Stone
She’s thinking about starring in a Basic Instinct sequel. Thankfully, no one is thinking about making a Basic Instinct sequel.
6 Nothing Sacred
The show about a controversial Catholic priest has been canceled. Collections were down.
7 JFK’s Long Johns
Two pairs of them were sold for $3,000 at an auction. Yet another good reason why you should always wear clean underwear.
8 Spring Break
No wonder college costs so much money. The price of beer keeps going up on South Padre Island.
9 Cuban Baseball Players
As free agents, they can negotiate multimillion-dollar salaries here. Not to mention those big-money life-preserver endorsements.
10 The Newton Boys
A movie about America’s most successful bank robbers of the 1920s. And yet you never hear about them on Career Day.
Michael Jackson wants to play Prince Charming when a pop-music version of Cinderella comes to Broadway. Who got the title role — Jonathan Lipnicki?
12 Beardstown Ladies
The mature investment advisers miscalculated their earnings. They thought they got a 10 percent senior discount if they bought stocks on Tuesdays.
13 The Price Is Right
They’ve taped their 5,000th show. It’s so old that when they started, the prices were in shekels.
14 Boy Scouts
No gays or atheists need apply. Now you get a merit badge in discrimination just for joining.
The filmmakers were very happy to receive 11 Oscars. Thirteen would have been unlucky.