Marc Bernardin
October 08, 1999 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Or, how I learned to stop watching and give up on cruddy straight-to-video vampire flicks. Modern Vampires keeps bouncing aimlessly between vapid bloodsucker Dallas’ (Starship Troopers‘ Van Dien) return to L.A. from exile and a flabby Dr. Van Helsing (Rod Steiger) and his posse of gangbangers’ hunt for the undead.
Reel Goodies (0:33) Kim Cattrall, doing her best camp-vamp Zsa Zsa, gives Gregson Wagner’s tramp-vamp a wire-brush bath.
The Last Detail Director Richard Elfman enlisted his composer brother Danny (Batman) to score the main theme.

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