1. THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL A place where strange and bizarre things take place for no rational reason. Just like the Reform party.
2. MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY He was arrested on a marijuana charge. The police asked him to walk a straight line and he did. On the ceiling.
3. GREED A new game show where you can win up to $2 million. Normally you’d have to mismanage a large corporation to get that kind of money.
4. HOWARD STERN The King of All Media and his wife have split. He came home one day and found her listening to Imus.
5. BRYANT GUMBEL He feels Katie Couric gets more credit for the Today show than he does. If it weren’t for Al Roker, they’d all be cab dispatchers in Buffalo.
6. FROZEN MAMMOTH Scientists have carved one intact out of the ice in Siberia. Now comes the big question: Does it taste just like chicken?
7. HEIDI FLEISS The onetime Hollywood madam has filed for bankruptcy. Is that moral or financial?
8. MODEL KIDS You can buy a runway mannequin’s eggs at auction. For people afraid their own children won’t be vain and selfish enough.
9. SHOCKING CELEBRITY BEHAVIOR: CAUGHT ON TAPE Stars captured doing horrible things. Like appearing on this show.
10. BEING JOHN MALKOVICH A guy goes into the actor’s head for 15 minutes. The bad news: He’s in his colon for an hour.
11. PIZZA HUT They say an ad teasing Hillary Clinton was in fun. Yeah? Guess who wants to raise fast-food workers’ wages.
12. FOX FRIDAYS They’ve canceled most of the night’s lineup. To be replaced by America’s Most Exciting Infomercials!
13. HALLOWEEN The day when witches, goblins, and the undead walk the streets. Before going back to the office.
14. NIKE A new ad shows athletes with missing teeth and mangled faces. What’s the sport, running from the LAPD?
15. LEONARDO DICAPRIO The $20 million-a-film actor just bought a Hollywood house for $3 million. Making him the only person who can live like those kids on The Real World.