Six New Year’s resolutions that Hollywood should make
While my New Year’s resolutions rarely hold past that one post-holiday-binge trip to the gym, I do hold others to higher standards: Particularly, those who make a lot more money than I do, and especially those who make a lot more money than I do at my expense. So, hotshot Hollywood execs, I’d like to see a few changes around here in the coming months.
* Make ‘em shorter I’m sure the movie (fill in the blank: ”The Green Mile,” ”Magnolia,” etc) is absolute genius, but you know what? To those of us in the audience, unsophisticated as we are, we think it’s just as genius at two hours. Something’s gone wrong that I have to block out the time it takes to fly from New York to L.A. just to go see a movie around the corner.
* Get a sense of humor Oy, what a depressing holiday. Girls in a mental institution, men on death row, a crazy comedian self-destructing… When ”American Beauty” is the funniest thing out there (and it IS funny, in the bleakest way imaginable), something’s wrong with the mix.
* Unless it stars Julia Roberts, give up the formula ”The Matrix,” ”Being John Malkovich,” ”Blair Witch,” and ”Boys Don’t Cry” all raised the bar in terms of imagination. Plus, the box office shows that people aren’t scaredy-cats when it comes to seeing new things.
* Really scare us We love that the horror genre is getting popular again, but ”House on Haunted Hill,” ”The Haunting,” ”Stigmata”? Frankly, we’d rather watch ”Return of the Killer Tomato” again. ”Sixth Sense” and ”Stir of Echoes” proved that boogie men can be more frightening than fake blood and guts.
* Grow up already Alright, ”Random Hearts” kind of sucked. But ”End of the Affair,” ”Thomas Crowne Affair,” and ”Notting Hill” reaffirmed that life could be swoony and romantic, even if you’re over 20 and have less than three names (no offense, Sarah Jessica Parker, it’s not you we’re talking about).
* Cast stars we want to see Finally, a little random polling says these are the people we’d run to see on the big screen: Ricky Martin, Chris Noth, Julianne Moore, Hugh Laurie, Ricky Martin, Jeremy Northam, Sarah Polley, Ricky Martin, Chris Meloni, and Cate Blanchett. In fact, we’re thinking Ricky Martin and Cate Blanchett in an adult romantic-horror comedy, in which he sees dead people and she finds a portal into Chris Noth’s brain, that clocks in at 1 hour and 45 minutes.