1 JESSE VENTURA The governor says he doesn’t think Picasso was much of an artist. Whoops! There goes the appraising gig on Antiques Roadshow.
2 MTV They’re getting ready to play their one millionth video. It comes right after their six millionth commercial.
3 SPICE GIRLS Four years after their first record, they’ll be receiving a British lifetime achievement award. It’ll be presented by last year’s winners, Hanson.
4 MICHAEL DOUGLAS He’s having a baby. You know what would make a great shower present for the baby? A last name.
5 MCDONALD’S Some of their drive-thrus will have scanners that can bill you automatically. So you won’t waste any calories reaching for your wallet.
6 PRINCE CHARLES He spends $250,000 a year on girlfriend Camilla Parker Bowles. The price of black leather dominatrix suits has gone up.
7 GARTH BROOKS The country star will join the Mets for spring training. It could be worse. He could have joined the Met.
8 BRYANT GUMBEL His estranged wife says he gives her and their kids only $250 a month to live on. Such whining — no wonder he left.
9 PRESIDENTS’ DAY We honor our former leaders by selling stereos half off. In other countries, they pay full retail.
10 THE SIMPSONS They’ll kill off a character on the 10th- anniversary show. I guess we can rule out Scratchy the cat.
11 LISA MARIE PRESLEY The 32-year-old heiress is planning her third wedding. The weddings she does well; it’s the marriages she should work on.
12 VALENTINE’S DAY Nothing says ”I love you” like a dozen long-stemmed roses. Unless it’s cleaning the bathroom, washing the dishes, coming home sober…
13 JOHN ROCKER The diversity training is sinking in. He already thinks English-speaking white people from other states aren’t all that bad.
14 HELEN GURLEY BROWN The aging Cosmo Girl has penned a book about her youth: Sex and the One Room Schoolhouse.
15 KELLIE MARTIN Her ER character gets killed in a gun battle. Making her eligible for a spot on Touched by an Angel.