I am a pug. If I had a super-power, it would be the ability to time-travel. I am secretly in love with Will Smith. In medieval times I would have been a benevolent ruler.
I can thank — or blame — the Net for teaching me everything I never knew about myself, with the help of online personality tests that continue to pull me in like Pacino in The Godfather, Part III. All it cost me was time. Lots and lots of time. Still, the traffic numbers on some popular quiz sites verify that I’d hardly be alone at a meeting of Personality Test Addicts Anonymous. If your workload can handle it, choose from one of the following (or all of the below) to find bits of yourself online.
A) At ”human interest” site Emode, you’ll find organized tests both SAT-like (Ph.D.-certified IQ test, one hour) and lighthearted (celebrity-compatibility test, five minutes), all scattered among Cosmo-esque padding (Are you high-maintenance? A flirt? A first-date disaster?). This is where I found out about my match made in jiggy heaven and the pug thing (the latter test — ”What Kind of Dog Are You?” — is one of the site’s most popular and a fave among e-mail-forwarding types). Be aware: Because the site makes cash from advertisers, it may give sponsors aggregate info (though not your test results). Nevertheless, Emode is addictive enough to turn you hungry, panting, and growling for more. Especially if you’re a pit bull. A
B) Want to find something actually useful about yourself? Log on to the aptly named University of Life, where you’ll discover rambling lists of links to self-help tests (stress, social interaction, depression) along with charming pockets of humor (What job would you have had in medieval times? Are you Sigmund Freud?) Unfortunately, the schlocky design of the Tokyo-based site garbles both quality and navigability. Worse, a few of the tests require cash (or at least an e-mail address). B-
C) Though The Spark (http://www.thespark.com) has only 10 personality tests, it wins major points for being truly interactive: For example, when you partake in the love quiz, it will dish you the profiles of others (no names, only handles) in your area with similar results. The tests themselves are brash, sarcastic, and hysterical: The Bitch/Bastard Test calculates your diva/o quotient, while the randy Sex Test predicts how many people you’ll get to shag in your lifetime. (Sample question: ”What do you feel is the best form of contraception: condoms; birth-control pills; abstinence; using a fake name?”) If that doesn’t depress you enough, take the morbid Death Test, which prognosticates the precise day you’ll meet your maker. Finally, why not finish up with the website’s version of that old standby, the Purity Test (Have you ever French-kissed someone? Have you ever French-kissed someone in your family?) to figure out whether or not you’ll be going straight to hell. A-
Can online pop-psychology tests solve your life problems? No more or less than a psychic hotline. They do let you laugh at your own expense, at least until the day someone posts a test called ”Are You Web Surfing Too Much at Work?”