1. U.S. POST OFFICE
They’re testing ways to deliver e-mail. The hard part will be making it slower and more expensive.
2. HOLLOW MAN
Kevin Bacon plays an invisible man. So how do we know we’re not watching a cheaper, uglier actor?
3. COYOTE UGLY
A movie about a bar staffed by sexy female bartenders. It’s an untested film genre — Tips and Ass.
While the governor’s mansion is being repaired, the first couple will live in a triple-wide trailer. But for class, they’ll put a black limo on blocks in the front yard.
Lawyers say it lets you rip off the copyrighted work of pop stars. But that’s the job of the record companies.
6. JERRY SEINFELD
He spent $1 million for a garage in New York City to park his cars. Think of the money he’ll save on parking meters.
7. CHARLTON HESTON
The epic actor revealed he went to rehab for alcohol abuse. They couldn’t pry his cold, dead fingers off a glass of wine.
8. TAO OF STEVE
A movie about attracting babes by acting like a ”Steve” — McQueen or Austin. It’s much easier to achieve than The Tao of ‘N Sync.
Her new video has been digitally altered by MTV. They’re so strict over there — if it offends Eddie Murphy and Larry Flint, they’ll take it out.
10. CHAINS OF LOVE
”Reality” TV where four men are chained to a woman who lets them go one at a time. They win prizes by guessing on which planet this is reality.
11. AMERICAN HIGH
You get to see what real schoolkids are doing and thinking. Or you could go to the local mall.
12. SPACE COWBOYS
Only four aging astronauts know how to keep a Russian satellite up in orbit. They give it Viagra.
13. TED NUGENT
An antifur protester was arrested for threatening the former rock star. You can only do that in November, and you need a license.
14. TIGER WOODS
Striking actors are mad he filmed a car ad. Yeah, maybe he should do something else for a living.
15. NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC! 4
The latest hits set is outselling the previous three. It’s not as highbrow.