1. Donald and Marla
How bad are Trump’s finances? Rumor has it he’s marrying Maples for her money.
2. Chuck and Di’s Wedding Anniversary
What a pair of lovebugs. He’s getting her a Dustbuster, and she’s buying him ”Home of the Whopper” briefs.
3. L. Ron Hubbard
Scientology is a farce. (Pssst! Say bad things about them, and they’ll buy a bunch of ads from us.)
4. The Court TV Network
It’s soooo judgmental.
5. Judge Clarence Thomas
Against impossible odds, he worked his way up to the top. I hate people like that.
6. Powermaster Brewhana
Now we’ll never see their malt liquor commercial, ”Twice as strong for the man who can’t waste time getting wasted.”
7. Guns N’ Roses Concert Etiquette
Don’t make fun of all the musically challenged people there. Don’t throw your own chair. Never say, ”My mother has a tattoo just like that.”
8. Kim Basinger
Didn’t like Alec’s serial love note. Dropped the Jennifer Lynch film. Is she difficult, or just a bitch from hell?
9. Killer Asteroid Hysteria
The only thing that’s going to hit our planet is bad made-for-TV movies. Boy meets girl. Earth gets squashed. They have sex.
10. Peter Benchley’s Beast
A giant underwater creature eats fun-loving humans. Wow, what a stretch. What’s next, Sleeping With the Anemone?
11. Beverly Hills 90210
Soft-core TV for teenage girls.
12. Male Consciousness Movement
It’s just an excuse to go dear hunting with the boys.
13. Eclipse Mania
A lot of talk, then two minutes in the dark. Just like a high school date.
14. Linda Hamilton
A few more bench presses and she could kick sand in Lou Ferrigno’s face.
15. MTV’s 10th Anniversary
If it weren’t for MTV, I might have wasted those formative years by leaving the house.