1. ONLINE HOLIDAY SHOPPING
No looking for a parking spot, no crowded stores, no rude store clerks, no waiting for wrapping. It’s taking all the fun out of Christmas.
2. THE NEVER-ENDING ELECTION
If it doesn’t get settled soon, Bush is afraid it might spoil his inauguration.
3. LIZ HURLEY
She may get $4.2 million to promote a gel-filled bra. Wouldn’t it be better to hire someone who wears bras?
4. THE SMASHING PUMPKINS
The band is hanging it up after a dozen years. They got so rich singing about being dejected, they accidentally made themselves happy.
5. A HARD DAY’S NIGHT
The rereleased Beatles film had to be restored. It was hard to tell what was fab and what was gear.
6. CINDY CRAWFORD
Revlon is dumping her for a new model. And just when she’s getting to the age where she needs to use makeup.
7. GEORGE JONES
Someone stole Christmas ornaments off the lawn of his Tennessee home. Which will also be the title of his upcoming single.
8. ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
This puppy needs help. And a choke chain.
9. ELLEN DEGENERES
She and her girlfriend of two months have reportedly split up. This is the kind of important news we’re missing with all this election coverage.
10. THE MUMMY RETURNS
The trailer was too violent to run before The Grinch’s small-fry audience. So they switched to Road Runner cartoons.
11. JAMES MASON
After a lengthy legal dispute, the actor was finally laid to rest 16 years after he died. He was waiting for Florida to certify that he was dead.
12. MARTHA STEWART’S CHRISTMAS DREAM
Sitting around the house in a ratty robe chasing down s’mores with store-bought eggnog…. Sorry, that’s my dream.
In a budget-cutting mood, the network has suggested postponing office holiday parties. They will, however, still give executives huge, undeserved Christmas bonuses.
14. HARRISON FORD
One of his Indiana Jones bullwhips may bring $8,000 at auction. If they use it on the bidders, $30,000.
15. GEENA DAVIS
She’s getting married for the fourth time. Who knows? Maybe she collects toasters.