Temptation Island: Fox
Mickey O'Connor
February 21, 2001 AT 05:00 AM EST

Will a hot kiss cause a ”Temptation Island” breakup?

Fret not, folks: Taheed and Ytossie’s scandalous departure from ”Temptation Island” last week didn’t strand us without new vicarious thrills. On the fidelity testing series’ fifth episode, tempers flared as constant surveillance and the possibility of impending breakups started to hit home.

First up, our fearless ladies lounged in beach chairs as each of the remaining tempters paraded by and chose their favorite girl. While Valerie and Mandy each garnered two admirers, the other six votes went to the sweet, flirtatious Shannon, who seemed mostly nonplused by the landslide. Only Tom, the fuzzy chinned ”Ivy League graduate” (is that a full time job?), got the women’s attention. Although all three have taken a turn at wooing Mr. Ivy, he chose Shannon because ”getting to know you has been all that.” Smooth as silk, that Tom.

As Valerie and Mandy cooed through fake smiles, the gals chose to banish Sean, the much touted massage therapist, for being arrogant. In his final interview, he proved them right, cursing Valerie for having ”zero energy” and signing off with a bratty ”I wanted to go anyway.” Sure you did, Sean. And Al Gore wanted to teach at Columbia too.

Over at the men’s resort, crush confession was less diplomatic. Billy and Kaya (Temptress LaWanna dubs him ”in this world, but not of this world”) got their share of votes, but cocksure Andy came up empty. Even his ”stronghold,” the pink tressed Carla, chose extraterrestrial Kaya. When Andy confronted her, she feigned ignorance, claiming she thought she was supposed to choose who she wanted to be with, not her favorite. And the difference is WHAT, exactly?

When it came time for the couples to go on their fourth date, their last before the final ”dream date,” at least one island resident wasn’t psyched to tour the Mayan ruins yet again. As she prepared for her excursion with ”laid back” Evan, Valerie vocalized her disenchantment with the show’s kooky logic: ”I don’t even want to be here anymore. I just can’t fake it,” she said, looking and sounding exhausted. ”I want to be doing these things with Kaya … [not] some other guy.”

Her man child Kaya, however, wasn’t afraid to take the plunge on his scuba diving date with Megan. In voiceover, he rhapsodized about the amazing ”underwater birds” (sometimes called rays) they saw. ”I want to explore myself,” he intoned solemnly, ”explore what would happen when a woman would just get into my head and be with me there every step to a romantic moment.” In other words, they sucked face like teenagers at summer camp…. Valerie who?

Back at the men’s resort, Kaya and Megan felt ”vulnerable and uncomfortable” under the watchful eye of Andy, who — spurned by Megan and betrayed by Kaya’s getting her — sulked unattractively. In a lucid moment, Kaya reminded Andy what we’ve known all along: This is television, not reality. ”First of all, we both have girlfriends,” Kaya argued. ”It’s not like I’m taking away your girlfriend.” Yeah, dude — but Andy thought Megan was HIS boob tube babe.

But it was Billy who sent the fourth wall crashing down. On a heart to heart walk on the beach with Kaya, he weighed how these island infidelities will affect Mandy (cut to Mandy gyrating in a pig pile of dance floor flesh). ”I’m losing my train of thought with this light on me,” he shouted at nobody in particular. Turning to the cameramen, he pled, ”Seriously, you guys wanna give me a moment…. This does not concern the show — this is my life.” But from out of frame, a smart aleck staffer bemusedly put everything back into perspective: ”Actually, your life IS the show right now.” Ours, too.

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