1 SURVIVOR: AFRICA PETA is making a stink about contestants drinking cow blood. Like it’ll be the next big soft drink.
2 HALLOWEEN The most popular mask this year may be the Osama bin Laden. If we get lucky, it will come as part of a ghost costume.
3 AMERICAN FLAGS Everyone wants to show their patriotism now. China can’t make them fast enough.
4 FAN MAIL Celebrities say they are treating it very carefully nowadays. The hardest part is pretending they ever opened it in the first place.
5 BILL GATES The richest man in the world will guest-star on Frasier next month. Will his appearance be compatible with a Sony TV?
6 K-PAX The movie that asks the question ”Is Kevin Spacey from outer space or just plain nuts?” Maybe he’s a nut from outer space?
7 THIRTEEN GHOSTS A family moves into a haunted house full of killer spirits. But it’s close to shopping, and the schools are good.
8 THE ESCALADE Cadillac’s SUV has become the hot status symbol for rich musicians and athletes. When did seven-year-old, paint-peeling minivans go out?
9 MARIAH CAREY The diva has agreed to appear on Ally McBeal. She’ll film the episodes right before her next scheduled bout of exhaustion.
10 ERIN BROCKOVICH She’s getting her own talk show on NBC. The working title is Who Wants to Sue a Millionaire.
11 BOB DYLAN He’s planning to write a multipart biography. The first is called 1960 to 1961 – My Years of Struggle.
12 STANDARD TIME There’s nothing more romantic than watching the sun set. From your office desk at 4:30 p.m.
13 ANDRE AGASSI & STEFFI GRAF They just got married and are expecting their first child in December. They didn’t want labor to interrupt the honeymoon.
14 NOVOCAINE Steve Martin plays a mild-mannered dentist who becomes a suspect in a murder case. Because the victim was flossed to death.
15 THE WORLD SERIES Me? I’m a lifelong Diamondback fan.