The bikini bimbos go on their boring dates | EW.com

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The bikini bimbos go on their boring dates

The bikini bimbos go on their boring dates. Alas, all the volcanoes and waterfalls in the background remind Dalton Ross of National Geographic, not Lap-Dance Weekly

Thomas McGuane

(Temptation Island 2: Jason Willheim/Fox)

The bikini bimbos go on their boring dates

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… huh…what? Oh, I’m sorry, I must’ve dosed off while watching this week’s boring ass episode of ”Temptation Island 2.” As we gear up for next week’s Bonfire bonanza finale, the tension should be reaching a fever pitch with our couples knee deep in booze, broads, and beefcakes. Debauchery should reign supreme. But instead of one last island blowout free-for-all, we were forced to tag along on a series of supposed ”dream dates.”

Talk about mellow as a cello. Who would’ve thought that a program famous for bringing us footage of body shots, lap dances, and frequent breast and butt exams would decide to switch gears and make like freakin’ National Geographic. I mean, the volcanoes and waterfalls were one thing (well, two things actually), but what was up with that damn turtle sitting around laying eggs. For a second there I thought I was flashing back to eighth grade science class with my old tormentor Mr. Dyroff. I fell asleep then, and I was on my way for a repeat performance until that doofus from the Dell computer ads woke me up rapping about gigabytes or something.

The thing that has made ”Temptation Island” such a guilty pleasure of the highest order is the ”Lord of the Flies” approach to mating it brings home each and every week, but by eliminating most of the singles, oh, excuse me, ”tempters,” producers left us to take in a series of limp romantic getaways which were either gooey (Brian wrote a chapter in Catherine’s diary), depressing (an emasculated Tommy sighed ”I just want to get it over with”), or just plain annoying (Shannon kept saying how great her getaway was because she and her date didn’t even need to talk. Too bad this borderline psycho can’t keep her own yap shut).

Apparently we were supposed to be wowed by the scenery of these majestic outings, but if you ask me, Nikkole and Tommy NYs jaunt down the river didn’t look too far removed from Disneyland’s hilariously dated Jungle Cruise. And John and Nayla’s excursion into a bat-filled cave probably would’ve been a bit more dramatic if we could’ve actually seen even one of the flying critters. I mean, isn’t that what CGI is for?

As if all this wasn’t bad enough, we had to endure the post-bonfire Tommy, who has been quite the bummer. At the start of this adventure, Tommy was a madman, seizing every sleazy opportunity in sight. But then he saw his girl getting her flames of passion fueled by firefighter Tommy NY. Ever since, this playa has been full-on benched. And speaking of lame, there’s Shannon, who obviously never had any intention for action (as evidenced by those creepy love letters she hid for John in the bathroom) and proclaimed ”This journey was about soul searching. It wasn’t just about hooking up with somebody.” Funny, but we’re guessing the ”TI2” producers do not share your enlightened view. Go do some yoga or something, woman, but please get off our island, and never EVER come back.

Well, Shannon will be getting off the island next week, along with everyone else. And while the emotional breakdowns sure to ensue at the final Bonfire should raise this once fine family program (okay, drop the ”family”) back to unprecedented heights of hilarity, this past episode made for one pretty weak pregame.

Coming next week: We hand out our ”Temptation Island 2” Awards, where everyone’s a winner…or loser, depending on your viewpoint.