1 BRITNEY Rumor is she’s broken up with Justin. Poor kid, it might be days before she finds another boyfriend.
2 PAMELA ANDERSON She says she got hepatitis C from sharing a tattoo needle with ex-husband Tommy Lee. And that was the least disgusting thing she shared with him.
3 HALLE & DENZEL African Americans finally got their own at the Oscars. It’s the other 364 days of the year that need work.
4 DEATH TO SMOOCHY Robin Williams has his job and his girl stolen by a Barney-like kids’-show host. The bad news is that he’s an ABC news anchor.
5 OSCAR FASHIONS If a dress can make Gwyneth Paltrow look fat and dumpy, imagine what it can do for you.
6 VENDING MACHINES FOR DOGS Now you can buy Fido a snack at some highway rest stops. You put in a dollar and a mailman sticks out his leg.
7 FIRST-CLASS STAMPS They’re going up to 37 cents. You didn’t see the e-mail about it?
8 THE BACHELOR A TV show gives a man six weeks to pick a bride out of 25 women. After meeting those high moral standards, they’ll be able to adopt in Florida.
9 CLOCKSTOPPERS A film about a device that can make time pass at hyperspeed for people under its power. An SAT test.
10 PANIC ROOM Filmed entirely on location in the lobby of an H&R Block on April 15.
11 TOM GREEN He showed up to collect five Razzie awards for Freddy Got Fingered, including Worst Picture. Because it means so much when it comes from your peers.
12 THE WOMEN OF ENRON As if losing their 401(k)s weren’t humiliating enough, Playboy wants them to strip, too. This isn’t a glass ceiling, it’s a glass floor.
13 DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME We gain an hour of light in the evening. So we don’t have to sit in rush-hour traffic in the dark.
14 THE ROOKIE A middle-aged high school coach tries out for Major League Baseball. The Field of Analgesic Creams.
15 LANCE BASS The ‘N Sync star got a physical in Moscow to see if he was healthy enough to go into space. They’re just waiting for the X rays of his wallet to come back.