1 CORPORATE ETHICS Whoops, we forgot to report a $3 billion loss. But we remembered to move our headquarters to Bermuda to avoid taxes.
2 BRITNEY SPEARS She opened a restaurant in Manhattan called Nyla. It’s for people who despise both music and food.
3 WOMEN OF ENRON Playboy got some newly unemployed women to take off their clothes for money. They paid them with ImClone stock.
4 TATUM O’NEAL She’s not happy with her ex John McEnroe’s new book. He makes being a junkie mom sound so unflattering.
5 THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln never said it. They must not have been very patriotic.
6 PAMPLONA Thousands of slobbering drunks will try to outrun the bulls in this yearly spectacle. It’ll be sad if any of the bulls get hurt.
7 DRIVING VACATIONS We’re planning a two-week visit to the I-95 National Park with a side trip to see the I-80 Automobile Theme Land.
8 AMERICAN IDOL They had to disqualify one of their semifinalists for lying about his age. In show business? What are the chances?
9 CHARLIE ROSE The loquacious PBS host had heart surgery. His mouth stopped moving for almost six minutes while they repaired a heart valve.
10 CONCERT MINUTES Kids at pop concerts dial up their friends and let them listen to the band live. What’s next – a combination cell phone/cigarette lighter?
11 DANIELA HANTUCHOVA The latest tennis pinup can actually play tennis. As if it would make the least difference to men.
12 JERRY SPRINGER The daytime sleaze-meister will do a talk show in South Africa. They couldn’t find anyone with no talent in their own country?
13 THE CROCODILE HUNTER Danger-loving Steve Irwin has turned his wild TV show into a movie. One mistake and we’ll be wearing Steve Irwin shoes.
14 BASEBALL’S ALL-STAR GAME Should be pretty exciting this year. They’ve added a Count the Steroids blood-test contest.
15 JENNIFER ANISTON PICS Some wonder why she was sun-bathing topless in her backyard in the first place. Can’t she do that indoors? At night?